I know that it’s not as black and white as I make it out to be. I know that there were things that we never talked about, things that tried we our best to cover up.
I don’t know which is worse.
Giving you a chance and knowing in the back of my mind that you would blow it, or trying to make sense of why you did.
It’s not that I hate you, that I blame you.
I just thought that you cared more about me than that. I know I did. It wasn’t going to be forever, but I thought it would last a little longer than this.
Because there was something about you that was good, even if you still can’t see it. You wanted to make a change, and I was different.
Maybe I just mistook your interest for selfishness.
I know that we all have to love ourselves, but did you, for one moment, think about what you were doing to me?
I meant ever word I said. I meant it when I told you I would be there. I meant it when I said that you were important.
I made room for you in my world, no matter how scared I was to do it. I still tried.
I didn’t want to put out the fire before it even had a chance to start but we were just one two different pages.
So when you left, it didn’t come as a shock. But it still hurt.
Don’t think for one minute that I’m going to let this go so easily. Maybe it’s my pride that’s getting in the way or maybe it’s because you know me well enough to know that you need to think before you speak.
Because words aren’t just words when they are coming from you to me.
I thought you understood that.
It’s painful to tell someone everything, and then have them turn around and do the same thing to you. Even though they know how weak you are, how hurt and how small you feel.
That’s what you did. I’m not saying I fell in love with you because I didn’t. And I’m not saying that I wanted you more than anything, because I didn’t.
But this still hurts like hell.
I gave you my trust, not my heart, which I’m starting to think is just a little worse.
I never wanted to play games. I was honest with you from the start, but maybe this is all on me. Maybe I should have known better than to think that someone like you was going to change.
That a guy like you would take something seriously, that you wouldn’t just get too freaked out and run away.
I used to think you were this great guy, and now, from where I stand, you don’t look much like a man at all, but a scared little boy.
And that’s okay.
Maybe you need to grow up a little bit before someone like me comes into your life. But I’m going to let you know right now, I hope you know that watching me walk away is going to be hard.
Not for me. But for you.
Because if it’s one thing I’ve learned from all of this, it’s that you really don’t know what you have until it’s gone.
I would have been there to take care of you because that’s what my heart wanted.
I would have been there to protect you, to make sure that you were doing okay.
But now I can’t even look you in the eyes. I don’t want to. And every time something comes out of your mouth, I have to stop myself from running away.
I don’t know if you’re a really good liar, or if you don’t see the difference between lies and truth. Whatever the answer is, I don’t want to know anymore.
I hope that you get to where you want to be.
I don’t wish you any bad things, but I want you to take some time and think about what it is that you’ve just done.
Because I know that one day, when you look back on this, you’re going to feel an overwhelming guilt. And try and as you might, you’re never going to be able to fix this. Not this time.
Because when I said I’m done, I meant it.
Yes, it was hard. Yes, I wanted to be able to give you a different answer but I couldn’t.
I’ve spent enough time waiting for someone like you, only to find out that I was just a stop along the way to their final destination.
So this is goodbye.