A reminder of what dogs men can be.
Before I began escorting, I thought the decision meant, at worst, someone murdering me, and at best, someone raping me or giving me an STD. Thanks to the internet, which serves as a shield behind which I can vet clients, I’ve never suffered the slightest violence.
However, there are some pretty crappy things I’ve been subjected to that remind me what dogs men can be. It goes without saying that murder, rape, transmitting an STD and physical violence are the worst things clients can do to a prostitute.
In terms of less harmful (but still damaging) things I’ve encountered, these are the absolute crappiest things clients have done to me:
1. Trying to have unsafe sex with me.
Thankfully, this almost never happens. But A) How stupid can you be? You realize what I do for a living, right? Do you think you’re bulletproof? And B) Your lame excuse about being otherwise monogamous with your wife isn’t going to cut it. How many other escorts have you asked for unprotected sex who said yes?
Let’s not be in denial about the fact that you’re a John and I’m a whore.
2. Canceling our appointment last minute.
Since I’m paid in cash and have no legal recourse to force a partial payment out of a guy who flakes out, this is a surefire way to piss me off, especially if I’ve arranged a hotel out of my own pocket.
Last month, I declined two short appointments in one city to keep a four-hour appointment in another nearby city. The four-hour guy canceled same day and I lost $1,600 plus the $1,000 I could’ve earned by taking the two short gigs.
3. Terminating the appointment early and trying to prorate the time.
Escorts charge for increments of time, NOT specific sexual acts, so if you book three hours, I expect three hours pay. I operate on an honor system and I’m not the type of escort who demands and counts their cash the minute they arrive.
A few times, guys have tried to make a power play with the transaction if they fall ill, get cold feet, or are interrupted by work and personal commitments. When it comes to cutting an appointment short, my policy is if the reason isn’t my fault, I shouldn’t be punished financially.
Over time, I’ve gotten better at asserting myself when guys try to pull this crap.
4. Failing to manscape.
I’m a pretty big fan of giving oral, but it’s super gross when you have to keep stopping to spit out pubic hair. That stuff sheds like crazy, both in my mouth and all over my sheets and shower.
There’s nothing more depressing then having to scour a hotel’s white sheets for dark pubic hairs and body hairs between appointments and I’m not a fan of discovering long, squiggly pubic hairs on my shower walls, either.
I’m sure married guys who don’t regularly groom think they’ll incriminate themselves by doing so.
5. Threatening to write a bad review or writing a revenge review.
Believe it or not, there is a HUGE population of men who love to kiss and tell online (review sites that also have discussion forums include theeroticreview.com and eccie.net). I hate guys who read and write reviews and feel strongly that men who are bitter about wasting money seek vengeance via negative reviews.
Just yesterday, I discovered a downright slanderous review of me because I was concerned that almost no appointment requests have been coming in the last two weeks. Now, I have to hire a reputation lawyer and possibly sue.
Because I loathe reviews so much, I’ve had a no review policy for two years, but this guy’s vengeance slipped between the cracks. The type of client who enjoys reviews is called a “hobbyist.”
These guys are not to be confused with actual, good clients. They are demanding, vindictive and high-maintenance. I’m usually able to avoid them.
6. Trying to book last-minute.
Some of these guys think we just hang around a hotel room, freshly shaved and showered, hair, makeup, nails and wardrobe ready. Some girls do, especially those who work for agencies, but I like to make deliberate plans in advance.
Scheduling sex with ample notice seems awfully unsexy, but I don’t want to see guys who are simply satisfying a craving like I’m a pizza delivery. Because I had a terrible review recently, I’m forced to be more open to these impulse shoppers. Impulse shoppers aren’t as likely to research me thoroughly and encounter the bad review.
7. Trying to get extra time for free, or assuming the only time they have to pay me for is kinky time.
In the US, where the sale of sexual service for money is illegal, escorts charge for their time, like a lawyer, accountant or doctor. We don’t just charge for time as a way to legally cover our own asses.
We expect you to pay X amount for one hour and X amount for 2, 3, 4, 6, 12 or 24 hours. To assume that I will have dinner, drinks, a sleepover, or whatever with you for free is insulting, not just to myself, but to other clients who respect that my time costs money, no matter how we spend it.
On a grosser micro-level, the issue of leaving a guy with blue balls within the allotted time versus getting him off but spilling into overtime is an awkward issue.
8. Asking questions that are clearly boundary-crossing.
This includes asking for my real name, where I went to college, where I currently go to grad school, and so on. I don’t ask men about their marriages or their kids unless they feel like sharing (or venting) about their personal lives.
Yes, I can divulge things to men in person that I don’t want to plaster on my website (such as what colleges I’ve attended), but that’s at my discretion. I don’t like when clients put me in the hot seat and start playing the 20 questions interrogation game.
When I worked at strip clubs, I had to deal with way more people asking about all my business before even buying a lap dance or tipping me modestly for my company. I’m not here to indulge your curiosity, be your interview subject, or offer you information that could help you discover who I am “IRL.”
9. Expecting me to pander to their ego.
There are certain clients who want their ass kissed, and sometimes dangle money as if you’re a greyhound chasing a fake bunny. I’m truly a version of myself when it comes to appointments, so if you want to talk literature, baseball or academic pursuits, I’m game.
If you want to use me as a captive audience to laugh at your bad jokes or pretend to be impressed when you name-drop and tell me what restaurant you got into, I’m not your gal. Sure, I’ll try to take more interest than I normally would in what you’re saying; that’s what you’re paying me for, and that’s just manners. But I’m not impressed with shallow values and materialism.
10. Being a time-waster.
A lot of guys get off on dangling potential income in front of you and watching you chase it. Other guys will book with multiple girls to keep their options open, meaning at least one girl is losing business.
Guys can con you into giving them attention because your desire to earn his money makes you a captive audience until you catch on.