You Aren’t Crazy: Why Toxic Relationships Are Harder To Get Over
After my breakup I found myself doing a lot of thinking, searching and wondering as to why this relationship was so difficult to move on from.
I had gotten my heart broken before. I had been broken up with and I had ended relationships myself. I had been through many things in the “dating department” however, none of them quite compared to this.
For some reason I was just stuck. I hit rock bottom. I couldn’t even pull myself out of bed in the morning without crying on the bathroom floor as I tried to get ready.
I felt bad for myself. I blamed myself. I did so much blaming. How could someone who I tried so hard to fight for walk out and leave me? What was wrong with me that I wasn’t enough? What could I have done different?
This consumed my daily thoughts. I placed so much of the blame on myself that I was actually torturing myself in the process. I made myself feel small. I made myself feel weak. I made myself believe that I wasn’t worthy of love.
As the months have gone on and I have done intense work on myself and spent countless hours trying to find the answers to so many unknowns, I have learned a lot.
I was so stuck on this relationship because of the toxicity of it. I fought for my ex every single day. I fought every single day and never got the same in return. I exhausted every ounce of my being trying to help and save a person who didn’t want to be saved.
The whole relationship was exhausting. There was never a moment of clarity. There was never a moment of feeling 100% secure. There was never a moment that part of me didn’t wonder when this person would decide to leave again.
Every day I fought for a person who I knew was there but wasn’t ready to show themselves to me. I fought for the love that I knew I deserved. I fought for what I wanted. But, I was never going to get it.
Truth is, I learned my ex wasn’t ready to love me the way I needed. My ex wanted easy. My ex didn’t want to fight for something. My ex didn’t want to deal with issues. My ex definitely didn’t want to compromise. My ex didn’t understand that a relationship as complex as ours needed work.
As hard as I tried things were never going to change. No matter how badly I wanted them to. They weren’t.
So when things ended, I felt defeated. I felt at a loss and I felt that I had failed. I felt that every ounce of effort I had put in for the past X months of my life were a complete waste.
And that’s what made this so difficult to get over.
I loved someone so much that I was willing to fight for them every day. I loved someone so much that I was fighting for them when they wouldn’t even fight for themselves. All I did was fight.
And in the end- I still lost.
That’s what makes these toxic relationships so hard to get over. Accepting your defeat. Accepting that it really never was you that was the problem. It was always them.