Don’t even bother trying to figure a Scorpio out.
True story: I was once minding my business, drinking green tea in Starbucks, when this woman I’d never met approached me and said, “Are you a Scorpio? You guys are horrible people.”
She was mostly right: I am a Scorpio, and I am a horrible person. But being a horrible person has little to do with my astrological sign, which if anything should be one of my few redeeming qualities. Here’s why:
Scorpios are regarded as the sexiest sign in the zodiac, and we’re also too honest to say that we don’t enjoy bragging about that fact. (And it is a fact, or at least as much fact as the rest of astrology is.) We’re a fixed sign ruled by both Mars and Pluto, because why settle for one planet when you’re this cool? (And yes, Pluto was declared a planet again, which we all saw coming because, well, I’ll get to that in a minute.) As amazing as we are, dating a Scorpio isn’t always easy — just ask this guy.
If you are dating (or have dated) a Scorpio, chances are the following things are true. And if you’re planning on dating a Scorpio, don’t say we didn’t warn you.
1. Again: Scorpios are sexier than anyone you’ve ever encountered. Don’t try resisting. You can’t. If you find yourself mysteriously attracted to that weird guy with the beard who sleeps on newspapers in the subway and likes telling you that the end of the world is nigh, chances are he was born in November and is amazing in bed.
2. Scorpios are always dominant and always in control. Even when you think your Scorpio partner isn’t wearing the pants, she is. She’s just playing along until the moment is right to put you in your place again. Don’t get too comfortable.
3. Scorpios always win. They’re persistent to the point of being relentless, occasionally manipulative and stronger than anyone else you know. You want us on your team, because then your team will win. Unless your team is the New York Jets, in which case, I don’t know how to help you.
4. We’re fiercely private. Sometimes if the person you’re dating doesn’t want to become Facebook official, it’s not because they’re cheating. It’s because they don’t want the world in their business. This is doubly true if you’re dating a Scorpio. If your partner doesn’t have any social media and keeps a diary in a lockbox in a hidden safe within a hidden crawlspace of her apartment, it’s a safe bet that she’s a Scorpio. Don’t pry.
5. We still want to know your business, though. We’re natural investigators. We’re curious. Let us in. Otherwise, we’ll side-eye you forever and wonder what you’re hiding.
6. We’re intrigued by darkness. My boyfriend often comes home to me watching Forensic Files and grinning like Norman Bates. That doesn’t mean I’m a serial killer (and you can’t prove it and no jury will ever convict me), it just means I’m fascinated by darker things. Scorpios are famous for being interested in death, horror, noir, the supernatural and sometimes even the occult. As long as she’s not inviting Captain Howdy over via a Ouija board, just let her be.
7. Scorpios’ love of darkness extends to their sarcastic senses of humor. Seriously, the things we find funny can make us bad people. Don’t judge us for it. Instead, be glad that we have the ability to find humor in otherwise ghastly things, because it makes life a whole lot easier.
8. You know how everyone likes to say they don’t care what anyone else thinks? Scorpios mean it.
9. Scorpios are brutally honest. Don’t ask us if that dress makes you look fat unless you want to hear the truth.
10. We can be a little psychic. Or psycho, depending on how cynical you are. Scorpios have a knack for predicting the future and knowing what you’re thinking before you open your mouth. This can be attributed to their observational skills and keen memory, as well as to them all having The Shining. Just roll with it, but don’t expect them to do parlor tricks with that ability.
11. We’re ferociously loyal and protective. If you tell us about someone who pushed you on the subway or screwed you over at work or bullied you in third grade, we will want to hold you close, then find whoever hurt you and kill everything that they love.
12. We’re resourceful and have a ton of discretion. If you ever need to make one phone call from jail, especially if it’s to get help burying a body, or even just help plan a surprise party, call someone born between late October and the third week of November. Not only will they be super-helpful in whatever you need, they also will withhold judgment and keep their mouths shut about it. Jodi Arias needed a Scorpio friend.
13. Scorpios have built-in bulls*it detectors. Scorpios have an incredible memory as well as an innate ability to detect the truth in any given situation, so your best bet is to not even try sugarcoating or lying to them. The only thing you’ll do is make them angry, and you wouldn’t like them when they’re angry. Which leads me to …
14. Scorpios are cunning, can be vindictive and have very few qualms about destroying you. You know the premise of Gone Girl? That’s nothing.