Consider these…a test of sorts.
Perhaps I’m crazy, but I feel it’s a necessity to make sure your future spouse is OK with you doing… you know, human things. I say bah-humbug to people who think you have to leave some mystery to the whole “woman” thing.
You absolutely must do these 10 things in front of your future spouse before marriage to make sure he’s going to be the kind of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. Trust me, if you decide to have children, these things WILL happen in front of your husband.
- Cry your ugliest cry
I’m starting you out slow with something you’ve probably already done in front of your mate. Crying in front of him shows that you’re vulnerable and that you trust him to not take advantage of your openness. If a guy doesn’t know how to handle tears, you’re wise to rethink where your relationship stands.
- Scream bloody murder
You’ve got to let it fly at least once to make sure he can handle your power. Sometimes women are a little hesitant to come across as angry, but why? We all get mad. We all reach a breaking point where we lose our sh*t and just want to yell. Don’t stop it the next time. To hell with being ladylike! Yell as loudly as you need to and witness his reaction.
- Go grocery shopping
Clothes shopping can be done on your own if it bores your sweetie, but grocery shopping is a communal kind of thing, which at some point you will end up doing together. You can learn interesting things about people browsing groceries.
For example, if you like to read labels and compare prices, is your boyfriend trying to drag you on instead? If you like movie theater butter popcorn but he likes all natural, is he going to freak out? As you pick up that box of Blonde Beauty hair dye, do his eyes bulge out of his face and does he sputter, “You mean you’re not a natural blonde”?
- Shave your legs in front of him
Imagine this scenario: you hop in the shower and have only ten minutes before you have to run out the door. Your husband comes into the bathroom in a rush, too. You’re planning on wearing that cute new sundress and you need to shave your legs — stat.
But your husband. But your legs. Good god! Grab the razor and shave away. Don’t worry; he knows you weren’t born that way (well, OK, maybe you were born with smooth legs, but he understands women have hair in places, too).
- Let your pubic hair grow wild
Legs and armpits are one thing, but bikini line? You’ve got to be kidding me. I’ve got a small shower; I have to squat for one side, hike my leg up and bend over strangely for the other side.
He’ll actually probably end up being impressed to the lengths you go to be smooth. Then there’s the other angle: let your bush go wild for a while and see his reaction. If a guy can’t love the real you then maybe he isn’t the right guy.
- Vomit from sickness or too much tequila
This one you probably won’t be able to stop even if you want to. Sometimes when I’m throwing up I really want to be alone in my disgustingness, but sometimes I want someone to hold my hair back just like Mom used to.
If you’re ever pregnant and have really bad morning sickness, you will need help with barfing more than you know. (And for those of us with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, you may even need your husband to shoot anti-nausea meds into your thigh!)
- Pee with the door open
I know I’m getting into squeamish territory for some, but I’m afraid I have to go there. As long as you’re marrying an adult, I can assure you that they know that you pee. Do you really want to have to be closing and opening the bathroom door every time you go in there?
I mean, this guy has obviously seen your vagina (sorry for those who believe in waiting to have sex until after marriage; this essay isn’t for you!). And, you know, he’s done things to you. So just get over your dainty self.
- Go number two
Yes, I recommend pooping in front of your future spouse. It doesn’t have to be an event with tickets, but maybe you just leave the door open a little the first time and then a little more the next time. Why? Because, honey, this is just about the least conscious you can be in front of someone. The someone you (hopefully) will live with until you die.
Now, if you’ve ever helped care for a dying older relative, you already know that this functioning can stop at a certain point in time. And you do know that when you have a baby everything isn’t very… neat. I’m just saying.
- Leave a bloody tampon in the garbage
Don’t judge. Even if he’s never had anyone be this open ever before, if he’s going to be intimate with you, he should really know how things actually work. This goes for changing pads, too.
Sometimes a man has to see those large amounts of blood to really get what you go through. And, of course, if you plan on having children and he’s like most American men now, he will be watching the birth of your children. He needs to be prepped.
- Indulge in your secret habit — whatever it is!
You know, that thing that no one else in the whole world knows about. Haven’t you been dying to share it with someone? Now’s your chance to share something unexpected about you. It might even be something silly like mine was.
When I was nursing my first child, I picked up the habit of reading celebrity tabloids. I hid them when my husband was around. I eventually told him and we had a good laugh about how I thought he was going to judge me.
I guess that’s really the answer as to why do all of these things: The longer you spend with someone, the more it gets tough to hide things and the more you don’t want to pretend at anything. You want to be the full you — woman and human — and know you will still be loved, adult diapers and all.